Sisyphus's Joy

A couple of weeks ago I had the lovely fortune of talking with Philosophical Coach Danielle LaSusa about the intersection of identities that occurs when women balance career and motherhood. (You can view it here!) In a lovely reimagining of the story of Sisyphus (which I usually equate with the idea of futility, frustration, and tedium) she talked about how, perhaps, Sisyphus was living his best life. If you don’t know who Sisyphus was, take a minute to let Wikipedia give you the nutshell version here. An even more condensed version is that our dear Sisyphus, being punished by Zeus, was forced to push an immense boulder up a steep hill, only to have it roll back down just before he reached the top. Over and over and over again, he pushed the boulder up the hill, just to the brink of success and it would roll back to the bottom. He would start over. 

I know what you're thinking. Laundry day anyone? And as the story is written, it was in fact a punishment. He could never reach the idea of success. The top of the mountain was never obtained. He endured suffering and exhaustion and pain trying to get somewhere he could never actually go. Presumably Zeus was keeping Sisyphus from obtaining a sense of satisfaction, of completing a task. He could have made it to the top if only for that darn curse. And while not many of us believe in Zeus anymore, I bet most of us can identify with Sisyphus in many ways. 

I think it’s fair to say that we are a culture that prioritizes goals. Actually, let me clarify. We are a culture that prioritizes the completion of goals. Success is the name of the game. We talk about ourselves and our actions in the “completed tense” (that’s not really a thing, but hang with me a minute). Think of a goal you have. Maybe it’s having kids. Or saving money. Or running a marathon. Notice the words. They are all “being” tenses. They describe an act of being in the middle of doing something. But now think about what those things really mean in our fantasy. If I think about “having kids” what I really think about is succeeding in parenting and having well-behaved kids, we are at the park, they have successfully navigated childhood. They respect and love me. I respect and love them. These are all top-of-the-hill outcomes. Saving money? I think about having X million in my retirement fund. Or X thousand in my bank account. Or buying a boat. Top-of-the-hill outcomes. Running a marathon? The elusive medal and bragging rights at the end. Starting a business? The million dollar company that takes the world by storm. 

Top-of-the-hill outcomes keep us focused on the “completed tense” of the goal. The outcome. The conclusion. We stand at the top of the hill, wipe our hands on our fancy (and likely clean) pants, and say “look what I did.” Ahhh. Nice right? But the problem is that this top-of-the-hill moment, if it comes at all, occupies a mere fleeting moment of our overall life experience. We claim our trophy and then almost immediately say, okay, now what? And, just like Sisyphus, many of our top-of-the-hill dreams are perhaps, not even reachable. 

It’s not the top of the hill that matters. It’s the act of pushing the rock that defines us. 

Simply: Goals are how we choose to spend our time. 

If I have a dream of having children, the fact is that I will spend my time worrying about safety, cleaning up messes, fighting over chores, complaining about disobedience, searching for lost shoes. We connect with other parents and read lots of books. Is there even a top of the hill? Could you imagine reaching the moment where you say “okay, that’s done” with regard to children? Ask any parent of adult children…they will tell you unequivocally no. You are still worrying and loving and pushing that parenting rock up that hill. 

Goals are how we choose to spend our time. And that defines us. 

If I want to run a marathon, I will spend my time running in the dark hours of the morning, muscles

aching, fretting about caloric intake and salt tabs, buying Band-Aids for blisters and energy shakes and listening to podcasts on how to run more efficiently. We find running buddies and bond deeply with them.  Sure, I can reach the top of the mountain…but the glory lasts days (or minutes) until I start thinking about the next race. (Side note and true story: recently I had to give up running completely. As a long-time runner who completed many races, I miss it deeply. But I do not actually miss the moment at the end of a race. What I miss is LITERALLY running up and down hills with my training partners in the early hours of dark, cold mornings. It’s how I spent my time even though it was never the goal.) 

Goals are how we choose to spend our time. And that creates habits. 

If I want to save a million dollars, I will spend my time putting my dollar here and not there, changing habits, talking to financial advisors, reading books on investment. I will spend my time considering and worrying and fretting. And If I do save a million dollars, chances are, I will just start all over with another financial goal. 

Goals are how we choose to spend our time. And there is choice in that.

Wanting to own my own business is a very different experience from pushing a baby business up a hill. Building a business is hard. It might even suck. It might be full of failure and resets and dead ends. It might be full of stuff you hate, paperwork and Instagram posts and cold calls. It’s full of worrying and fretting and so much trying. 

You might notice a theme here. Whatever goal we set, we spend our time worrying and fretting and trying, trying, trying to get there. We take action. We change our identity. We find joy and friends and advisors and have life experiences along the way. If we do have the great fortune of actually completing a goal, we spend a few fleeting moments enjoying it before we return to the bottom of the mountain and start climbing again. 

That’s nice, you say…but Sisyphus was engaged in a pointless goal, so how could he be happy? In addition to the myth of goal completion bringing happiness, we also get stuck in believing that if I chose the RIGHT goal I will be happy. In a way, picking the perfect goal becomes the top of the mountain. We spend our time…(you know what I’m about to say) fretting and worrying and trying, trying, trying to pick the perfect goal. 

The truth is that the goal doesn’t matter. We have many, many goals over the course of life. Rather than focusing on naming the top of the hill, what happens if we ask ourselves “how do I want to spend my time?” Worrying, fretting, and trying are just part of the human experience. It doesn't matter the goal. Just as building community, connection with others, learning, aching muscles, and tired brains are part of it. What if we loved that part? What if we realized that pushing rocks up hills is exactly what humans are meant to do. And in fact, it’s impossible not to. (Maybe we are all cursed by Zeus after all!) Imagine saying, ”I’m not going to have a goal. I’m going to sit down on this rock and do nothing forever.” Go ahead and try that. You will find that doing nothing is in fact…a goal…and it is SO HARD! Sit still with your own thoughts and you might just truly learn what it means to fret and worry.  Sisyphus was living the best life because he never stopped having a goal and he never stopped pushing. As are we all. Whether we like it or not, or whether we are conscious of it or not, we are all pushing rocks to the top of a hill. 

How do you want to spend your time?