We all want community. People at every stage of life are seeking connection with others. It is a primary drive and experience of our human lives. We know this about humans in general, that we are better when we are supported and surrounded by others. And most of us know this about ourselves. That we crave friendships, partnerships. Even the most introverted among us have a deep longing for safe, loving, and close companionship.

Having friends, nurturing friend communities, and building strong family ties are constant themes in the therapy office. We are worried about our relationships with colleagues. We fret about our children’s friend circles. Almost every parent of every kindergartener worries that their child won’t be embraced by the five-year-old playground queen. Almost all of us know the heartachingly painful experience of having our kid say “no one wanted to play with me today.”
We worry excessively about being alone and assume we are the only ones who feel this way. Evolutionary scientists posit that our brains trigger an actual fight-or-flight response to the experience of being excluded, harkening back to a time when being kicked out of a protective group would literally mean life or death. So it makes sense that inclusion and feeling safe inside a social group takes up a large part of our mental landscape.

And meanwhile, the experience of loneliness is almost an epidemic. Lifestyle and social media and phones and politics and pandemics and work-from-home (among so many other factors) have left us feeling isolated and disconnected like never before. This is not a theory. There is ample research and documentation that indicates we are, as a culture, more anxious, more lonely, and more isolated than ever. And the problem is, we seek to cure these feelings in the very thing that caused them in the first place.
We text each other without eye contact or touch. We scroll through social media to feel connected, only to leave with a feeling of estrangement and isolation. We order our things online for immediate delivery rather than going into stores where human exchange happens. Our lives get easier and easier and our virtual worlds get bigger and bigger, while at the same time our real life social contacts diminish and we get lonelier and lonelier. We may have thousands of friends on social media or easily see posts from across the world, while our in-person lives get smaller and smaller.
The power of being in a community is exponential. It is where we thrive. Where we grow. Where we learn. Where we heal. We can find it almost anywhere. It is in our churches and sacred spaces, our work spaces, our schools. Our book clubs and park meetups. It’s in the coffee shop where we see the same people each morning and the familiar faces at our local grocery store. It’s even in our therapy and healing rituals. Groups, retreats, and shared therapeutic experiences can make our emotional journey all the more salient and meaningful.

So what if we really prioritized community? Face to face, hugging, touching, eye to eye real life community. Community doesn’t have to be big or grand or full of lots of people. Community can be small. It just has to be IRL. This week I invite you to do a little self-assessment. How much time are you spending in physical human to human connection? What are your habits and patterns that increase or decrease your IRL moments? What tiny changes can you lean into to increase your IRL experiences this week?
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